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The Dr. Jay Children’s Grief Program is devoted to
teaching families and children to deal with grief, dying and
the healing process. The program focuses on the following:
- Programs to support children who are dying or are experiencing
the death of a family member. These programs help patients
and their families before and after the loss of a loved
one.
- Educational and support groups for families and caregivers
of grieving and of terminally ill children.
- Outreach initiatives to teach professionals, volunteers,
and spiritual leaders about the unique needs of children
facing terminal illness
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To get in touch with the Dr. Jay Children's Greif Program
please contact (416)586-4800 x6664 or email max&bea@tlcpc.org
Communicating with children about dying
By Jennifer Bennett Pond, BA, Dip. AT and
Celidh Eaton Russell, BA, CLSt. Dip., Certified Child Life
Specialist
When encountering the illness and dying of a loved one,
many adult caregivers find themselves facing their own fears
about death, feelings of injustice, and questioning existential
or faith-related beliefs. All of these factors influence the
way a person perceives their own needs and struggles, and
those of their children.
What we hear caregivers articulate most often are fears
that children do not have the capacity either to understand
or to cope with the knowledge that someone they love is dying.
Based on this notion, caregivers believe they are 'protecting'
children by minimizing their exposure to difficult discussions,
often saying things like, "If she had questions, she'd
ask", or "I don't want bring it up until he does".
Unfortunately, having learned from the adults' example, children,
in turn, try to protect their parents from further upset by
avoiding asking questions or discussing emotional topics,
facilitating this downward spiral of mutual 'protection' and
avoidance of the topic of death.
In this context, our responsibility is to help adults recognize
children's needs, especially the opportunity to understand
what's happening, to express themselves, and to receive support
in order to grieve in a healthy way. Parents need reassurance
that, while children may understand death differently than
adults do, they have not only the capacity, but also the right
to be included in age-appropriate discussions about what is
happening in their lives. It is only through this kind of
open conversation that a child can express their beliefs,
fears, misconceptions and questions. Without this opportunity,
children are forced to find their own explanations for unanswered
questions and struggle to cope in relative isolation.
Caregivers are often waiting for the 'right time' or a feeling
of 'readiness' to discuss dying and death with their children.
We live in a culture that is focused on health and cure, where
death is less familiar to us. If a sense of competence is
to be gained through experience, this removal of death from
our repertoire leaves caregivers feeling paralyzed, not knowing
how to proceed. It is this unpreparedness that is expressed
in caregiver's deferral to a 'right time' or sense of readiness.
When caregivers do talk to children about dying and death,
it reflects recognition that it was necessary in order to
meet the children's needs, not that they were comfortable
in doing so. We can assist caregivers to facilitate such discussions
with their children.
It is crucial that caregivers realize by not talking to
the children about death, they are not averting a fearful
situation for the child; rather the child is already in that
situation and what they are evading is an opportunity to reassure
and offer a sense of security for the child. However, if children
are able to express themselves freely, they have the invaluable
opportunity to receive emotional support form their loved
ones, to feel included in the family's experience, to be reassured
and that they are not alone and that, while altered, their
family is still a family.
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